I wanted to take some time to reflect on this past season, for me I have found it a struggle. I am sure that is relatable for many of you reading this. Many days have left me feeling perplexed and unfulfilled and sad. I was trying to motivate myself on but realizing that I was struggling to see the purpose in the day. I felt lost. However, through all these emotions I was feeling and the impact that was having on my mindset; I was failing to see the goodness of God. I do not mean that in a cliché way. Truthfully, I could not always see God’s goodness but as I look back, I can see how God’s goodness has been guiding me to where I am today. I never know what each day holds but I do know that God holds them. That even when I feel like life is a huge mess, the Lord has always been providing a way forward. I hope that this blog will encourage you if you have been having similar struggles or have felt alone during this season. May you know that you are not alone and that there is always a way forward. That is coming from someone who has already made a lot of mistakes and had quite a few failures. God is incredible at turning our mess into something for his glory. May we praise him and thank him for that.
Someone asked me, what has God been teaching you recently? As my brain started to whir into action as I reflected on what had been happening, I was amazed about all I had been learning. It is a powerful question because it comes with a certainty that God always has something that he is teaching us. Even in our hardest seasons there is something that God can use for his glory.
One lesson was on battling one of my worst traits which is overthinking. It is something that I struggle with and have needed a lot of guidance in. The reason I share this with you is because it went into overdrive during this uncertain season. I currently do not have a job at the moment and that leaves me with a lot of free time to fill. I was noticing that my mind kept focusing on the past and was continuously highlighting my failures. It led to a lot of condemnation and hatred towards myself, especially in thinking that I should have done it better. I should have been wiser and then I would not be in the position that I am in now. I noticed that my mind would spiral into thoughts that were not fruitful and were just hurtful. It was during this time that I started to talk to someone I trusted about what was going on in my head. It was through that conversation that they reminded me to surrender it all to God. Once it was surrendered to God to delete it. As my sister reminded me, ‘You know what they say about the past, leave it there.’. There will always be a lot I can hold against myself, there could have always been wiser choices made. Thankfully, I live a life in which I am met with a lot of grace. If the God I put my hope in offers me grace, then surely, I can show that same grace to myself.
‘For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.’ (Psalm 103v11-12)
Through this season I have been learning a lot about rejection and the impact that has had on my life. I feel like the Lord has been teaching me that his love is enough for me, that I am loved by my creator far more than I could ever believe. Truthfully, that has been hard for me to accept. That is due to my mindset, I am someone who believes that people cannot love me until I meet up to their expectations. I have seen how that has impacted a lot of my relationships in the past because of my uncertainty and hate towards myself; it led me to reject a lot of people because I was scared of how they would accept me because I did not think I was enough. As I have grown up, I have learned the importance of letting people in. That those who genuinely love you, love you as you are and are not afraid of your rough edges. One of the greatest blessings is how the Lord has provided some incredible friends around me. They are people who I do life with, where all the good and the bad are shared. I find that hard with God because he places his love on us even in our brokenness. I feel unworthy to be loved by God because all I can see is my guilt and shame. I know there is nothing I can do to earn God’s love. On reflection God teaches me his love, through the friendships that I have. Those deep and true friendships that I have I am not constantly trying to prove myself. We simply love each other for who we are. When there are problems, we work through them together. That is what it means to be in a relationship with the Lord. The Lord’s love for me is much bigger than any friendship/relationship I have on earth, but I am learning to come to him just as I am. The Lord is not a God of rejection, as I am constantly reminded, he is not a God who will leave me or forsake me. I will always find it easier to push people away because of the fear of getting hurt. However, as the love of the Lord brings me closer to him. I am learning the importance of letting people in, even if there will be bumps along the road. I am loved more than enough by my God and my Saviour, to know that even in rejection from the world I am strong enough to keep moving forward. That is the grace of the Lord, that he never rushes the process but has been helping me to heal at this time. Allowing my eyes to be opened to his goodness around me. He has been faithful through all my days and I am blessed to know his unfailing love through every aspect of my life.
‘For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.’ (Psalm 33v4-5)
I have been thankful for the guidance of the Lord through these days. His wisdom and truth have followed me through all my uncertainty. There have been many beautiful sermons that I have had the time to listen to and have spoke right into the heart of my problem. When I have felt disconnected, they have helped me to come straight back and connect with my Saviour. I will link a few at the end of the blog that has helped me a lot. God’s grace has been so good in this season, in my mess of emotions, he has been using that to lead me closer to him. I may feel a certain way about life but then God shows up and turns it on its head.
The Lord continues to be incredibly faithful in my life, at the moment there are no big life changes. However, the Lord is faithful in all the small things. That he continuously leads me through life, even when all I can see is nothing in front of me. I believe that God is using this time to nourish my soul and is making me stronger in my faith daily. I have been spending a lot of time in the psalms and I love them. They are so true to how the psalmists feel and are trying to work out how the situation will get better/end. The psalmists do not forget who God is but sometimes they do question where he is in their lives. I like honesty and I feel like the psalms allow us to be open and honest with God. Sometimes I will not always understand why life plays out the way it does but do know a God who is faithful through it all. His faithfulness will not always look the way I want it to, but the Lord is true and faithful to all his promises. When I allow myself to doubt God, I choose to doubt his authority. No matter how hard season may be or how big the storm looks, God still continues to be God. In one of his sermons Robert Madu said, we have enough history with the Lord to know that he will always get us through, he will always get us to the other side. The journey may be tough, but we do not need to doubt the Lord’s character. The Lord will remain faithful to the end.
‘I see you in the days gone by. Your promise never left my side. I know sometimes I tried to give up. Still you caught me when I fell from high… See you in the days gone by and I need you every day.’
The past few months from my perspective have been quite rocky and uncertain. I could not be more thankful for all that I am learning. I am thankful for the opportunity I get to write and to share God’s word and what he has been teaching me. I am thankful for the friends and family who support me and encourage me to grow and share my faith and worries. I am thankful for a season of rest. There is so much I hoped to be doing by this time in my life, but I have been learning that I cannot always be in control of life. Truthfully I have very little control of it. The best way to live is to surrender, the life I have been giving back to the Lord. To learn to live daily in his love and extend that love towards others.
This season has taught me a lot about God’s grace, whether that be in healing past wounds or in leading me forward to deepen my faith. I know that once this season is over, I will leave it stronger compared to how I went in.
I pray that we would all continuously look for the Lord’s faithfulness in our lives. He is constantly working, restoring, and surrounding us in his love. He is a gracious and faithful father. We learn each day of his goodness when we choose to surrender and walk with him. How blessed we are.
May God bless you, love Victoria. xx