I have always been a little introverted, I was always happy to socialise with people and to go out and do things. It was not until I was finishing up university, that I warmed to being introverted and accepted it as part of who I was. My university years were full of unnecessary drama, that I allowed myself to get pulled into. They were draining years, I found solace in being on my own and enjoying/doing the things that I needed and wanted to do. It also allowed me to think over what sort of people I wanted to hang around and what activities I wanted to be doing.
I used to believe that it was people who validated me. My worth came from hanging out with them, doing the things they wanted to do and acting in accordance with their will. A lot of the friendships I was in, led to me giving so much of myself and I gained nothing back. This was my fault because I did not know who I was and also who I wanted to be. I did not hold close to my values and morals. It left me feeling defeated and alone. I began to learn that I could enjoy being in my own company, in being alone did not make me lonely.
I learned that time alone, enables me to grow more. Over the past two years I have loved growing in my faith. Taking the time to be alone; to read the word, pray and to have a quiet time. I have pursued writing more, whether that be book reviews or my blogs. I have fallen in love with reading again. I use social media platforms to direct my passions into something creative. Working on myself has enabled me to know more about how I view the world and what I want to be known for. While I may not be understood by everyone, if those around me are supportive than that is enough.
I do enjoy hanging out with people and talking to people. I do it in my job and my social life. An important lesson I am learning is the importance of listening. How words do not always bring comfort, the comfort can be found simply in presence. I also focus in on peoples emotions, which is something I am sensitive too. I have learned that there is comfort in prayer. Whether I pray for that person directly with that person or I take it home to pray about. I have realised that there is so much out of my control. I have learned to leave it with God and trust him.
I have been taught, especially in my university years, the devastating effects of toxic friendships. Which I now know healing from, it has taught me to no longer rush into any relationships. I choose now to be friends with people I know I can be myself around In any friendships there will be sacrifices you make for each other. There is a difference from selling out who you are to missing out on going somewhere to support a friend, a friend would do the same. Friendship should always be about quality rather than quantity, for it is better to have one true friend than a bunch of fake posers around you.
I have learned that there is such joy in having time to myself. I love going on walks or trips by myself to explore a new place. I can take my time because I am on no-ones agenda and I take in what I want to. My aim this year is to go to Germany for a few days on my own. I have been teaching myself German and am in preparation to book things, this goal will become a reality. I enjoy spending evenings in and no longer feel like I am missing out or will be seen as sad. To be cosy and watching a film or reading is a favourite of mine. Having time to myself allows me to have my own stories that I get to share with the people around me. Becoming more introverted is not a negative thing for my life. For it is who I am, I pretended for a long time that I could be this loud and proud person. I always felt dissatisfied and embarrassed of the things I did to get that attention. The greatest gift I have received, is knowing that I am loved and known by God. I do not have to pretend to be anyone, for God knows my heart and works with who I am. I am thankful for that blessing. I am thankful for this life. Whether you reading this or an extrovert or an introvert or even ambivert, you are so loved and awesome as you are.
Have an amazing week. Keep learning. Love Victoria. xx