Recently my life has hit a bit of a rut. Not that, that is bad at all; it is just different and not as exciting as it used to be. It is that time in my life where I need to find my feet again. Having come out of university into an unpredictable world it can be hard to understand where I actually fit in. I work but I am not doing a job that I am incredibly passionate about, it is enjoyable but that is about it. I struggle with knowing what to do with my free time, should it always be productive and what do I actually enjoy doing? I am not keen on where I am living either. I loved where I lived for university there was plenty to do and also a lot of open countryside as well. Whereas, being back at home as much as I enjoy it, the surroundings are a bleak concrete jungle which can so easily suck the life out of you. I am not the best person with change, especially when plans fall through on what I believed I would be doing. The changes that have happened over the past few months have been for the best but sometimes it can be hard to understand why they had to happen this way. Focusing a lot on the ‘why’ has led to the spark and excitement, I use to have about life, changing. This is something I want to change.
One other aspect of my life, that has dimmed, has definitely been my faith. I still have a relatively strong faith and I love having it. I do miss being part of a church, where I can play an active role of serving but also be encouraged by others too. Over the last year my perspective on the church has really changed, there has been a lot of bad that has come from it. I do have to remind myself, that there are people in the church who want to actively love and care for people and that should not be overshadowed by those who use the church for their own means and ends. It has been easy for me to drift away from the church but I know that it will be hard to keep my faith going without the support of others. One benefit has been social media, finding videos and Instagram posts has been one way I have been encouraged and been able to encourage others too.
This is the time in my life when I need to start growing into the person that I want to be. I am quite a shy person, I find it hard to begin conversations and just be confident it what I have to say. I am more than happy to let other people do the talking for me. I know that I need to step up; if I want to make something of myself then I need to be more confident and independent. I am also someone that can easily give up on me but again, if I live continuously in that manner then I will never get anywhere. It is making small changes to conquer these things, which have begun to give more purpose in life.
Where is the hope, when life hits a rut?
For me I struggled with finding purpose. It was only a few days ago that I decided to begin reading Ecclesiastes in the Bible, which began to help me with my frame of mind. Chapter Three begins ‘There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.’ This just helped to put into perspective that like every season, life does have its ups and downs. I am not especially fond of the season I am in at the moment, I know there are lessons to learn from it and that it will not last forever.
I have learnt that when life hits a rut, it pushes me to do more. I do not want to be that person who gives up and accepts that this is the only circumstance I will live. There are so many wise women and men in the world today, who use their lives to inspire people, to push the boundaries on what they have been told they can achieve. If you want to pursue something and have been told that you would never be able to do that, at least try, do not just accept peoples word as truth. A lot of the time in school I was put down as dumb because I was not academically strong, one of my biggest dreams was to get to university and to get a degree. I pushed myself and had many failures but with the support of my family and friends around me, I still carried on. I did get my degree too. I may not be the most academic or the most articulate but I know if I had accepted people’s opinions as gospel, I would have never got my degree. There is so much that needs to be done in the world today, so many people who need help and care. It is important that we look out for each other.
This season has also allowed me to focus a bit more on myself. Instead of running to other people’s beck and call, I chose to focus on if that person was actually benefiting my life. It is fine to help people but if they only ever leave you feeling drained and belittled then it is time to step away from that relationship/friendship. That is what I chose to do. I have also began to focus on what I want to do with my life not on what I think people want me to be doing. Which is something I am still working on but I chose to get up each day with purpose and intent.
Life is not smooth and sometimes it can be daunting. We have to choose where we want to put our perspective. In gratitude your perspective changes, the circumstance may not but with a thankful heart for the good things change will begin to happen. I have hope and trust that even in the hardest day there is always purpose. That even in the low periods, laughter can always be found. That beauty can be found in the smallest things too which is awesome.
Ecclesiastes ‘I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from the beginning to end’.